Friday, December 31, 2010

Not much to say...

I don't have much to say today...I worked and when I got home I sat down on the couch and woke up several hours later. LOL It's amazing how some work and situations can just make you exhausted. I work again tomorrow and expect the same outcome to my day. I'm hopeful that I'll have family over on the 31st to ring in the New Year so I probably won't be online to chronicle my day. I wish you all a Happy New Year!

Pounds lost: 13.7 (375.3)
Daily insight: Some things just happen.
Ounces of water consumed: 20
Steps in the right direction: 61

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The hardest part…

I’ve discovered that in life, the hardest part of anything you do is the preparation, the planning. When you have work to do you almost always gather all of the things you’ll need to complete your task before you start. If you’re like me you get as much information as you can find that is pertinent to what you’re doing. That way it’s less likely that you’ll give misinformation or forget a vital step in what you’re doing.

Lately, preparation has been kicking me in the backside! I do a lot of preparation when I write for work and it’s taking up almost all of my time. I know that if you compare the amount of time I spend writing to the amount of time I do in research I’m spending 5 minutes of writing for every hour of research. That doesn’t seem very productive at all.

I recently discovered that most people in the article writing business use programs to do the actual writing for them. They just look through it to make sure it doesn’t sound like a robot wrote it. To me.. that’s cheating. How can you promise original content when your content isn’t even created by you?

What do I know?

I’m a little on the cranky side today. I couldn’t seem to drag myself out of my mood. Not even a yummy lunch of left over Himalayan food worked to improve my mood. I feel like I’m a wind up toy bouncing against the wall not able to move forward. I do NOT like that feeling.

I have no desire to step anywhere near the scale tomorrow. I don’t want to know what it says. There have already been a lot of obstacles in my way since I began and most of them have been me. And I can’t seem to get myself to step aside. What is holding me back? What is going on inside of my head that feels the need to stay right where I am? I don’t like being heavy. I don’t like being tired. SO why the hell am I trying to stay this way?

I wish I had a crystal ball that could give me the answers I’m looking for. Or better yet.. I wish I had a magic wand I could use to clear my way so I can move forward and succeed.

Pounds lost: 13.7 (375.3)
Daily insight: You know things are bad when even you lose faith in you.
Ounces of water consumed: 64
Steps in the right direction: 60

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Normalcy is overrated.. right?

I could sooo blame the lack of normal route on Mercury being in retrograde, but that’s only going to last a little longer and then the truth will come out that I’m a mess of poor time management. :)

So, I might a well admit it now. I’m not very well organized. At least not as organized as I used to be. When I was at work my work was always well organized and I was easily able to complete tasks in the time allotted me. Now that I’m self employed my ability to do that has completely flown out the window.

Of course, there are times when something helps me lose track of time, but that’s not as often as I would like. It’s usually all on me. LOL

Today I did accomplish a lot, in retrospect, but it didn’t feel like a lot as the day progressed. I should be proud of what I did do and move on with a more positive note. Ah ha! An excellent plan Watson!

Tomorrow is my day to get things settled and finished so I’m ready to dig into Inventory on Thursday and Friday. I have a “To do” list that I plan on completing. I guess you’ll know how well I did when I check in tomorrow evening.

Diet went better than planned today since I had no plan at all. :D But I do know that Thursday’s weigh in will show that I’ve gained some weight. I suppose it’s to be expected with the piss poor food choices I’ve been making, but that doesn’t make me grumble any less. I looks like I’m going to be making a new affirmation come the end of the calendar year to help me get back on track. The solar year ended, the pagan New Year already passed, so I might as well learn a little something from the usual resolutions made at the calendar New Year.

I hope if you’re making resolutions for yourself this year that you don’t forget to include the “Be nicer to myself because I’m doing the best I can” resolution to your list. :)

Pounds lost: 13.7 (375.3)
Daily insight: Things work out even if they aren’t according to plan.
Ounces of water consumed: 64
Steps in the right direction: 59

Monday, December 27, 2010

A long reprieve…

It feels like it’s been a week since I’ve sat down at the computer. When I signed off on Thursday I shut the computer down completely and focused on finishing presents for my family that celebrate Christmas and the parties I had planned.

Friday my sister and her kids came over, which was wonderful, so that they could share their Christmas morning with me. It really touched my heart that they wanted to be here for it. My sister had to drag me out of the office and away from sewing to spend some time with them before they went to bed. In the morning she had to drag me out of bed (I was sooo tired!) so I could watch the joy of presents and love.

Saturday was the party for one part of the family. Everyone helped me get the house in party shape while I continued to sew in the office. I had the door closed so no one could peek. :D When everyone got there I found myself stuck in the kitchen and was sad to realize that they had opened their secret Santa gifts without me. I admit the fatigue combined with being left out had me going into my room to cry it out. I realized later the other reason was because I opened a letter from a potential employer that turned out to be a rejection letter. I was devastated by that letter and hadn’t given in to the tears that needed to be shed until later. Everyone headed back to their prospective homes and I went back to work sewing and preparing for the party on Sunday.

I was up until 2am, but I finished. In the morning when I got out of bed I finished the last little bit of touch up work that needed to be done on the gifts and wrapped them all. Then I started cooking, marinating, baking, and mixing. My sister and her kids came over early to help me prepare the house and me for the party for the other side of the family that evening.

Everything turned out so amazing! The food was great, the desert rocked, and the company was beyond wonderful. I had finally escaped my place in the kitchen after dinner and was able to mingle. After my parents and Liz left, my sister and her kids stayed to hang out with me more. We visited and laughed and I once again reveled in the blessings of being home with my family.

Today, I slept in sooooo long my body protested. LOL Then I got dressed and met my Stepmom and her mom for a visit with my Aunt and Uncle so we could see all of their holiday decorations. My goodness there was so many! We had lunch at a great Himalayan restaurant. I had never had Himalayan and really enjoyed it! We had a great time chatting and my Aunt and I talked a little about a project to create unique stockings to sell. Sounds like a great idea!

Now I’m back home and trying to get back into the swing of things so I can turn in the work I have due. My eyes keep closing on me and my brain keeps clicking (and not in a good way) so I think I might have to just start fresh in the morning and keep at it until all of my work is complete. We’ll see how I feel after dinner.

Pounds lost: 13.7 (375.3)
Daily insight: Which way is up?
Ounces of water consumed: 64
Steps in the right direction: 58

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Short but sweet…

Tonight’s post is going to be super short. I’ve overloaded myself (surprise, hmm?) and have a to do list longer than my arm! Sooooo… here’s the quickie version.

Today was full of writing and wondering how many hours I can steal from tomorrow to cram into today. I’m going to be doing an all nighter, more than likely, but don’t tell anyone (*presses the invisibility button so none of the family can read this post! Dang, where’d the button go??*). I want to makes sure I finish everything so that all I have to do Friday-Sunday is focus on cooking for the family that’ll be here and enjoy myself.

The diet was ok today, so concentrated on work that I used cheese sticks for more than one meal and supplemented the absence of another with a few gulps of milk. Hmm.

I did weigh in and did manage to shuck of a half of a pound. Can’t be grumpy (well, I can but…) about it. A loss is a loss.

And, I’m on my last 30 ounces to get in all my water for the day. Yay!

Ok, I’m out!

Pounds lost: 13.7 (375.3)
Daily insight: ………………………………………….Beep, Beep, slower traffic to the right please!……………………………………….
Ounces of water consumed: 80
Steps in the right direction: 54

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Trying to keep the energy up…

Yesterday/last night was so powerful that I had such high hopes and positive thoughts for my future. So when I went to bed I knew I would be able to keep everything going in the morning. When my alarm went off I hit the snooze button (it really is too close to my bed) without even registering that it was going off. I did it again two more times and then it auto-switched off. I opened my eyes again an hour later and looked at the time. My next thought was, What happened to getting up early? And my internal response was, Well, this is early for me… just not the early I wanted. LOL

I grumbled and pouted, but got out of bed and went through my morning shufflings that included taking meds and taking care of the puppy before I wandered into the office. I knew that I would have to get a LOT done in here today if I was going to have time to get my gifts for family finished.

And.. here it is, almost 11 am and I still have 4 more articles to write. I did accomplish the first 4 so I didn’t do badly. Unfortunately, if I’m going to turn in all the work tomorrow so I can sew for the rest of the day I will need to work on the projects tonight and write in the morning. EARLY. Not the kind of early like this morning, but the kind of early from when I was in school. Highschool. Bummer-ola!

I did get a lot more than it sounds like accomplished. I went to the grocery store and bought diet friendly food and I even made a run to the fabric store to get one or two things that were MIA here at the house. That took an hour and a half out of my day. I need a transporter! Things would go so much faster that way.

I do have to pat myself on the back a little and admit that when I went to pick up a salad I ordered (I really wanted fries from Wendy’s but I’d have to travel FAR to get them) and there was a sign that said “Add a 32 oz Pepsi for $.99. I saw it and without thinking went, Yay! When I realized what my brain just said I told myself.. This is your first test. Don’t give in so fast! You just made the promise to yourself and the Divine last night!

Needless to say, I did NOT buy the Pepsi that was calling my name like temptation on my shoulder.

It looks like I’m going to have to put myself through Pepsi withdraw again to get it out of my system. This needs to be a lesson about what “cheating” can do to you. Something so innocent looking can wreck some serious havoc in your life.

But as they say.. it’s the hardest things that end up being the most rewarding.

Now I’m chewing my lip about weighing in tomorrow. Skipping it would be out of the question, but I know.. and I mean I KNOW.. that the number isn’t going to be my favorite tomorrow. Oh well, I’ll face the music when it’s time.

Pounds lost: 13.2 (375.8)
Daily insight: It’s a wise woman that places the alarm clock across the room so she has to get out of the snuggly warmness of her bed to turn it off, letting the COLD wake her butt up!
Ounces of water consumed: 80
Steps in the right direction: 53

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Blessed Yule!

What a good day I had today. :) But before I talk about today, I have to talk about what happened last night. The full moon lunar eclipse! Gasp! It was beautiful! It was already a powerful deal with a full moon and an eclipse, but add in the Solstice and it was crazy amazingly rad! Ok, ok.. so I’m still a little excited about it. I can’t help it.

I did a full moon/eclipse ritual and set out a glass vessel filled with fresh water to soak up the power of the celestial alignment. Mother moon, father sun, and the earth in a straight line. Powerful, heady stuff! I once did a blue moon water empowerment and used the water for many things all year including pouring it on a plant that wasn’t doing so well. The plant flourished.

Here are some of pictures I took of the eclipse last night. :)


This is the first picture I took just before it started.



Just the tiniest bit was gone.


Nearly half way gone.

Almost completely gone!


Such an amazing color! There was this huge ring around the eclipse and since my sky had gone miraculously clear I could see all the other stars in the sky shining so bright! It really made the ring stand out. It was spectacular.


This one is my favorite because the Moon had turned this cool black/purple/red/brown color!

I was so jazzed from it that I ended up staying awake until 3am. When I woke up this morning I was like.. wow, I feel so rested! Today was another busy day of preparing for ritual and my Mom and niece to come over to do some print/photo work on my computer. They didn’t get here as early as I expected and I’m sorry to say I bristled under the upset of my plans. But after I realized that Solstice doesn’t have to be performed at a specific time I shut up about it and just enjoyed the rest of the visit.

My Mom, for the first time, made a special point of giving me a Yule gift. She worked really hard on it and I think it’s beautiful! It really means a lot to me that my Mom is making an effort to respect my beliefs and wants to be a part of my holiday. Here’s the beautiful wreath she made me.



My Yule ritual was fantastic and so full of joy and noise and freedom and energy! This is the first time I haven’t had a neighbor above me, below me, beside me or wherever that I feared might here my rite and act like an idiot later. I do have neighbors here but there are rooms between them and I on one side and an open green space on the other side of me. I could raise my voice as I raised power and run through the house yelling “Welcome back light!” as much as I wanted. :D It was a truly joyous experience! I came away from it with such energy that the whole house feels brighter. I am blessed!

Happy rebirth, God! Happy reuniting, Goddess! Much love from your little pagan hearted me!

The diet went pretty good considering the happy madness. I cleaned out my fridge so that should make things sooo much easier when it comes to planning and making meals. I found my cheese sticks that were hiding behind some seriously old OJ. Yay! Water intake was great. I’m looking forward to tomorrow!

Pounds lost: 13.2 (375.8)
Daily insight: Is it wrong to happy dance around the house with wild hair and ribbons and a drum? :D
Ounces of water consumed: 80
Steps in the right direction: 52

Monday, December 20, 2010

Contented chaos…

Today was a busy day. I got up early to run my holiday cards to the post office (I know, I know.. laaaaaaate) and am just glad that I got them on their way. My family and friends know I love them, but it’s always nice to get a card in the mail. :) I then went and picked up my sister so she can do her stealthy business at my house in preparation of her holiday on the 25th. She and my nephew had to make a quick trip back into town so I ran off for an errand of my own.

When I got back I had just missed my sister and with a pout went inside to get to work. I was pleasantly surprised about an hour later when my nephew called and said they were on their way back. Three visits in one day? Yay!

While they were here I skipped the computer for a hot glue gun so I could finish my tree skirt. I think it turned out great! A little small, though, so I might have to add some more felt around the edges and hide it with ribbon. :) I had to cut it small because I ran out of paisley ribbon. Hehe. Figures!


I burned my fingers and attacked myself with the glue gun, but all’s well that ends well.

I’m really looking forward to the lunar eclipse of the full moon tonight/tomorrow morning. It’s very exciting, especially since it coincides with the Solstice! Here on the west coast the eclipse is to start at 10:33 pm and last for a total of 3-1/2 hours. Now, it’ll take some time to get to it’s zenith and for the moon to take on a dark red/brown color, so I’m thinking I should hold off on going outside until about 11:41 pm. NASA says it’ll be at it’s totality at 12:17am, so I might just wait until closer to that time. Of course, it’s storming here and I can only hope to see the moon let alone the eclipse, but my fingers are crossed that I’ll get at least a break in the clouds to honor the Mother and such a momentous event. The last time a lunar eclipse happened at the same time as solstice was in 1638! It hasn’t happened in 372 years! It’s supposed to happen again in 2094. Yeah, I’m thinking this lifetime will have been long over and I’ll be on my newest one by that time. Wouldn’t that be a cool past life regression session!

The triple cool thing is that this is all happening when the Ursids meteor shower is also going to be happening. Now this meteor shower happens every year at this time, but come on.. how cool is this!?

Earlier today while working my puppy was sleeping in her little bed and she started snoring something awful! I looked over and she was curled into a tiny ball and sleeping hard! I smiled and thought to myself.. there’s nothing better than a happy puppy snore.

Today the diet was crap, I admit it. I got caught up in the chaos and didn’t check myself. But thankfully I did get in all of my water today. Yay! Thank goodness for small blessings.

I’m still working on my ritual for tomorrow. I think I’m getting close to having it figured out. Going to take care of some household chores tonight before full moon/eclipse ritual. I hope you get outside to enjoy the celestial event!

Pounds lost: 13.2 (375.8)
Daily insight: It’ll take 72 minutes for the sun’s shadow to move across the moon? Sounds like me on a good day. :D
Ounces of water consumed: 80
Steps in the right direction: 51

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Quelle Frustration!

My computer, in the last month or so, has started to go sooooo slow! And it keeps telling met that the virtual memory is low. I’m so annoyed! I’m not as tech savvy as I used to be and haven’t taken the time to look through it and see if there’s anything hinky going on. That means this is partially my own fault. So, I’m actually the one frustrating myself instead of it being my computer frustrating me. Hmm.. well, that’s annoying. LOL That’ll be a task for tomorrow.

I said last night that I would admit whether or not I drank all 64 ounces of water before I went to bed. And the answer is. No. I didn’t get more than the 32 ounces in me. Today has been different, but not much better. 64 is what the doctors suggest for water consumption, so at least I’m being good there.

Today was a busy day and I admit I’m exhausted. So much so that I keep misspelling so many words WORD is making noises at me. LOL I guess I should just wrap this up and head to bed.

Diet started out good and ended badly with me only eating 3 times and the last time was around 3pm. I don’t understand what is going on with my stomach. I lose track of time and it’s not telling me, “Hey lady.. feed me!” like it usually does. That means my metabolism is out of whack. When you don’t get those hungry feelings your body is working on something or doesn’t care. Yes, your body can stop caring because you’ve been mistreating it and have cut off its link to the “feed me” button.

This means this coming week I need to be diligent about making myself eat so that I remind my body to process and use what I’m giving it.

Oh joy.

But it must be done so I can stay on track.

Pounds lost: 13.2 (375.8)
Daily insight: Recorded message at the Feed Me button, “We’re sorry, but you’ve reached a neural pathway that has been disconnected. If you feel you’ve reached this recording in error, please start eating better so normal processes can presume.” Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Ounces of water consumed: 64
Steps in the right direction: 50

Saturday, December 18, 2010

I didn’t think my fingers typed that fast…

Oh boy, lemme tell ya! Yesterday was an adventure! I really need to figure out how long it takes me to write an article because yesterday I was on the whooooole day. And by on I mean I was sitting at this computer researching and typing until my eyes crossed. LOL I ended up writing 19 articles in a single day. I do NOT want to do that again.

Thankfully, today I found out that they really liked my work and want me to work for them again. I wonder if I can negotiate a higher price per article. :)

Today I overslept and it threw me off balance for the whole day. If I remember right I didn’t eat until about 3:30pm and haven’t eaten since. It’s weird but I’m not hungry. I know tomorrow I will be VERY hungry. I should have stocked up today. LOL Oh well, I can protein shake myself to death tomorrow. :D

I couldn’t find a tree skirt that I liked and my old one is just a little too dingy for me. Sooooo, when I went looking for one I was so disappointed. I wasn’t going to pay $15 for a skirt that was pretty, sure, but I could probably make myself. Huh, that’s an idea! I left the holiday decoration isle and made my way over to where the ribbons and fabric were. I found some ribbon I really liked and bought some heavy felt.. and I’m making my tree skirt! I’m hoping to have a pic of it posted as soon as I finish. I really like it. Might be another item to add to my business website. :)

I put on the blog that I’ve had 64 ounces of water, but I’m admitting now that I’m not sure I’ll be able to drink it all in the next hour and a half. If it ends up that I couldn’t do it, I’ll say so in tomorrow’s post. I have to keep myself honest to get where I need to go, right? Right.

Tomorrow should be a good day and I’m looking forward to it. I have a LOT to do but I’m willing! Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Pounds lost: 13.2 (375.8)
Daily insight: Hurry! Now wait. Now HURRY! LOL
Ounces of water consumed: 64
Steps in the right direction: 49

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Count your blessings…

One of my favorite holiday movies was on the TV today providing the most wonderful background noise as I worked. I really miss the beauty and showmanship of the movies from days gone by. It always seemed to me that everyone in the movie was happy to be there and were really committed to doing their best. Why is it that it never seems like that today?

One of my favorite songs from that movie is “Count your blessings”. This song is one that people today should take a lesson from. When things aren’t going your way, you should remind yourself of all of the good things that are happening in your life. I know that for me, even during my darkest days, there was always something that happened I could hold on to as being a good thing. Sometimes that good thing was nothing more than the way the sun shone through the leaves of a tree. But at least it was something.

I do think that if we spent more time, perhaps on a daily basis, to count our blessings we might be more grateful for the lives we have. I’m blessed with a family that loves me, a puppy that always wants to be in my arms, friends that remember me even from a distance, and a roof over my head. There are more, of course, but those are the ones that stand out the most in my mind right now.

This morning when I stripped and stepped on the scale it took me a moment to look down to see what the display said. I was prepared to be disappointed and even frustrated. Although I am a little disappointed and frustrated with myself over my lack of willpower, I was pleased to see that I was down 0.7 lbs. I know, I know.. not even a full pound but beggars can’t be choosers! It brings my total weight loss to 13.2 lbs and that’s nothing to sneeze at.

I’ve been so busy with my work today that I admit I ate less than I should have for most of the day, but I pried myself away from my desk to eat a full dinner…preparing for sitting at my desk the rest of the night to complete the work I have promised by tomorrow. I did get all of my water, though, and that does seem to be important in my weight loss.

As long as I keep moving forward things can never be too bad.

Pounds lost: 13.2 (375.8)
Daily insight: “When you’re worried and you can’t sleep.. just count your blessings instead of sheep.. and you’ll fall asleep counting your blessings”
Ounces of water consumed: 80
Steps in the right direction: 47

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Be careful what you wish for…

This is a statement I’ve heard in the past. And today I heard it again, from my sister. I’ve never had a fear of that statement because whenever it’s come into my life it was for a good reason. Well, today I wasn’t so sure about that any more.

In a post a while back I made a comment about missing my dreaming and how I wanted to get back into the habit of them. I meant both the “regular” dreams that we all have and my precognitive dreams that I’d been having on and off since I was a child. I’ve always remembered those dreams to have a different color to them and that was how I would relate them when déjà vu hit me later.

Well, I don’t remember any different colors from the last couple of nights, but I sure do remember the dreaming. Last night was the most intense, though, and I woke with rapid pulse.

I had one hell of a nightmare. It involved an ex.. his need for revenge that had no validity.. and death. In the dream he blamed me for all the things that had gone to crap in his life after we broke up. He believed I was the catalyst of his problems and if he could destroy me he would be free. He decided to do this by taking the people I love away from me. In my dream he manipulated my sister (this would NEVER happen, but she was one hell of an actress in my dream and had me believing it) so that she was blindly in love with him and trusted him completely. When she told me about their relationship I confronted him over the phone believing he was still out of state.

He wouldn’t let me speak and instead told me what was going on. He told me it was my fault that his life had turned to crap and he was going to make me pay by making me suffer. He gave me details about how he was going to kill everyone. Graphic details. I opened my mouth to say something to him but he hung up on me.

I tried to convince my sister that it was a BAD idea that he couldn’t be trusted, but the dream shifted to another angle showing him getting out of the backseat of a car that was stopped in the middle of the road up the street. He slinked off into the foliage along side the road. I knew I had to get to my Dad, he would have what I needed to defeat the “enemy” and keep my loved ones safe.

The dream shifted again and I had a gun and was on foot trying to get to my Dad’s home. He doesn’t live within walking distance so I felt like I was rushing to climb hills and run through forests to get there. In this sequence of the dream I was having flashbacks, I guess, of discovering my sisters body, a body of a man I didn’t recognize, and my niece coming out of hiding – bloodied and scared to death from a closet in my home. I was still on the move, hurrying to get to my Dads and could see other things happening as I went. He had somehow convinced the police that I had killed my sister and the guy and they were after me.

I had to sneak through town because there were road blocks up and I could see the cops standing around talking over a picture of me and the words coming from the Sheriff “Capture by any means possible”.

Suddenly, I saw myself in the cross hairs of his long distance rifle. But it shifted from me to my Dad. Right before I woke up, I woke up inside the dream and trying to shake off the dream walked into the front room, but the holiday tree had all of its lights off even though I knew I had left them on. I turned around and went back to my room to get my taser because I knew something was wrong.

That’s when I actually really did wake up and I woke up scared! My heart was racing and I was afraid to move. My dog hadn’t made any noise so I knew that I was probably safe since she barks at everything, but I couldn’t make myself move. Finally as I reached for where I keep my Taser I looked to see if the lights from the tree were still shining into my room. They were. Phew. But I couldn’t stop the feeling of being so very scared and of being threatened. I got up and walked through the house checking all of the nooks and crankies for any potential invader. I even slipped the blinds out of my way to peek outside. No one was there. It was quiet outside.

The intensity of the dream was so vivid and stuck with me for a while. It took a good 30 mins before I could fall back to sleep. When I woke up several hours later it was as if the dream had just happened and it has stayed with me all day.

I haven’t had a dream that intense in years. I have to admit I’m a little freaked out about going to sleep tonight.

On another front, the diet went well today and my water intake was great. I’m a little worried about the weigh in tomorrow now that the scale is fixed since I might not be.

I suppose I’ll find out in the morning. Here’s hoping I have nicer dreams tonight.

Pounds lost: 12.5 (376.5)
Daily insight: I could really use some fluffy clouds and sparkling rainbows in my dreaming about now.
Ounces of water consumed: 80
Steps in the right direction: 46

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Productive day…

After my post last night I couldn’t sleep. I knew part of the reason was because I was anxious over an interview I had today. So, to help ease my anxiety and to increase my feelings of capability I cut out material for a skirt and a shirt that I would sew to wear for my interview today. Before I went to bed I pinned the pieces together as much as possible so that I could easy zip through the sewing in the morning.

When I woke up I took a shower and then sat to sew my outfit. I’ve been having arguments with my sewing machine but I after I pulled out my old machine and discovered I didn’t know where the power cord was I went ahead and used my newer (rather cranky) machine. Things were going along fine until I was at the end of sewing my shirt. Suddenly the tension went a little nuts and I couldn’t get it to flatten out. I opened the machine and a pin, that had been bent when the needle hit it and broke a minute before, bent a small piece of metal that the thread loops around before catching the bobbin and being released. SIGH. I bent it back and continued to sew. Not only did the tension not reset the machine now makes a twanging noise when the thread releases from the little metal piece. Tomorrow morning I’m going to have to call and get the machine worked on again.

To still be able to wear my shirt (It looked so good!) I pulled out the safety pins and made the shirt wearable. I was so scared it would fall apart while I wore it. LOL! The interview went really well and now all I have to do is wait until Friday to hear back. Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed!

When I got home I ate a little lunch and then sat down to write. And write I did! I realized that I had forgotten to pick something up so at 850pm I ran out to get something I needed for tomorrow. Phew! Productive and active day!

When I sat down to write this post I thought back over the day and discovered that I took pride in what I did today. My want to bring intent back into my life has begun. Although I was in a rush and had to hurry to get to my interview on time I enjoyed the process of the chaos that took me from my apartment to the office. I completed the tasks I had for myself today and invested myself in the completion of them. That made me feel good inside. I strive to continue this accomplishment tomorrow.

Pounds lost: 12.5 (376.5)
Daily insight: Safety pins are a life saver!
Ounces of water consumed: 64
Steps in the right direction: 45

Monday, December 13, 2010

Intent…

The word intent has been coming up a lot for me lately. I find it in reading, I find the necessity of using it in writing, I find it popping up in conversations. Why? What is it about this word that I’m being told to look for?

I know that I’m the kind of person that intends to do things. I always intend to complete the writing assignments I have. And eventually I do, but it’s usually cutting it close to the deadlines. I intend to do dishes and then get caught up in doing something else. I intend to rake the leaves, but it rains on that day. I intend to do a lot of things that don’t always get done.

Perhaps that’s the key. Intent is not the same thing as intend. When you intend to do something you have it in mind and even have plans for it. That doesn’t mean you complete it or even make good those plans. But intent is different. Intent is the other side of the words meaning. To have intent is to do something with a specific purpose in mind.

A few days ago I wrote about how when you’re pagan you do things with intent and create change through the force of your will.

I haven’t been doing that at all. I’ve been going through the motions but not feeling anything when I do it. I can sit here at my desk trying to write and I find myself with my chin in my hand completely bored with what I’m supposed to be interested in. This is no way to do things. I wrote an article about Zen tea drinking meditations and I realized that I never did any of the things I talked about. Not any more. I used to revel in the feeling of things. In the motions.

As I write this I’m starting to think that perhaps this is part of the journey I’m on. This realization of what I used to do compared to what I do now. I need to do everything with intent, as I once did. I need to go outside and be amazed by the different colors of grey and blue the sky has. I need to enjoy the motions of what I do to see the beauty in the shuffling of my feet or bounce in my step. I should see the action for what it will bring, what it causes, and then watch and feel the reaction.

Move through life with intent.

Pounds lost: 12.5 (376.5)
Daily insight: There’s beauty in the simple act of walking across a room.
Ounces of water consumed: 80
Steps in the right direction: 44

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Holiday Cheer…

This weekend I was able to get out and decorate the front of my home with cheerful color strings of lights and a wonderful string of stars that light up on blue, red, and green. A couple of my neighbors stopped by to talk to me while I was doing it and made suggestions and comments that would always lead to a smile or a laugh. I light making my house look like a gingerbread house, outlined in lights that make me think of candy when they are on and it’s dark outside.

Tonight I was able to go and see my sister and my nephew. It was a wonderful escape from my house and when I was there I talked my sister into coming back to my place to get some of her holiday decorations. It’s a chore for her to go through the stuff she has stored here but I knew the reward would be well worth it. She went through her bins and found some things to reminisce about. On the way back home we stopped off so I could pick up something at a local big box store and then chatted and laughed all the way back to her place.

Later, after I was back home I received a text message picture of my nephew in front of their tree. I loved it! My sister said he had been singing holiday songs since they began decorating the tree. Holiday cheer has infested their home. LOL Wonderful!

I realized today that I hadn’t begun making the Yule gifts I’m giving out this year. Fie! I’ve been so caught up with freelancing that I haven’t been paying attention to the calendar. I have the pattern for what I want to make and ideas about most of it. I need to start cutting and preparing this coming week.

I also realized that I hadn’t addressed or filled out my Yule cards. This is sooo typically me. LOL I make big plans and then realize I’m behind and have to hurry. So, I figure while I’m sitting at the desk tomorrow staring at blank pages in Word I’ll be working on Yule cards while working on my assigned writing. We’ll see how that works out!

Pounds lost: 12.5 (376.5)
Daily insight: It’s only too late to start something if it was due yesterday.
Ounces of water consumed: 64
Steps in the right direction: 43

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Almost had a bitter divorce from the scale…

I have been struggling, for the last few days, with the news my scale gave me on Thursday. I had noticed the week before last that my scale was acting funny, saying things that couldn’t possibly be true. I had turned it over and the tabs that are supposed to be between the weight gauge and the floor were askew. I pealed them off and placed them back correctly then set it down so I could step on it again. Suddenly it was reading “right” so that when I stepped on three more times the weight between the three times was off maybe by a ½ lb.

But when I stepped on to the scale last Thursday morning it rudely told me I was almost back to where I started. In the high 380’s. I stepped off. And on. And OFF, again. I flipped it over and found that the tabs were askew AGAIN. Frustration! And anger. I knew that what I had eaten the week before included Thanksgiving leftovers and a lovely meal with my parents, but I thought it was IMPOSSIBLE that I would have gained 9 lbs in a single week. For the whole day I couldn’t fathom the possibility and ranted to my sister and a friend. I didn’t think I was in a good frame of mind and shouldn’t write a blog. So I stayed away.

On Friday I had intended to write about the day before but I ended up drowning in the work I had in my inbox. Because that was a convenient excuse I allowed myself not to talk about it, but when I stepped away from the desk to fix and eat dinner I dug out some industrial glue (that my Dad gave me because he rocks like that!) and went to work scrapping the old glue off the tabs and scale. I then glued the tabs back on. I knew I needed to wait 24 hours for the glue to completely dry and that gave me another excuse to not think more about what had completely unhinged me.

Tonight when I stepped on the freshly glued scale I had to look at the truth of my situation. I breathed a sigh of relief when my scale read 377.2 instead of 387 or something INCONCIEVABLE. Yes, I gained some weight and that’s a hard pill for me to swallow, but at least I know that the scale won’t be pulling odd numbers out of its memory to mess with me again. If the scale reads heavy it’s because I’m heavy not because the scale is misaligned. I have to come to terms with my fears.

Part of my mind is still trying to reassure me by reminding me of what I witnessed in the past when it comes to being on my period. I always, always weigh 3 lbs heavier during my period than I do when it’s over. I have no idea if that’s because of water gain that women have to suffer with or if I’m just…odd. No matter the case I need to stop “excusing” myself and deal with things in the here and now.

My goal is to lose weight not obsess over the gaining or losing of it. I know from past experience that there will be highs and there will be lows, but I need to focus on the long term goal and make the appropriate changes to keep me on the path that will take me there.

My faith was tested by a piece of machinery made to help me not hinder me. I cannot allow that to happen again. I also need to make sure that I post even when the news I may have is disappointing. I cannot keep an honest record of what I’m going through if I am practicing avoidance.

Pounds lost: 12.5 (376.5)
Daily insight: You can’t avoid things forever; eventually the house will fall on you if you don’t stop it.
Ounces of water consumed: 64
Steps in the right direction: 42

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Time flies…

That old adage came to me today as I sat back to think about what I was going to write. Today was a happily busy day. I had tons of work to do (still do!) and also spent a productive hour on an interview for a job I am really hoping to get. Fingers crossed! Late in the evening I went to help my sister at her place and them came home and collapsed on the couch. I just realized what time it is so I rushed in to the office to post.

Tomorrow is going to be just as busy. I’m very glad for that. Although my days do rush past before I realize it I am enjoying being so busy. Things can’t be going bad if I’m so busy, right? Income is sure to follow!

The diet went well today for the most part (there was some cheating on the way home from my sisters because my stomach was so empty I was experiencing the unpleasantness of empty belly burping. Eww!), but I did get all of my water in and that’s always a good thing!

Pounds lost: 12.5 (376.5)
Daily insight: Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, got to help our Sistorelli!
Ounces of water consumed: 64
Steps in the right direction: 38

Monday, December 6, 2010

The small things in life…

Yesterday was the “Not Thanksgiving” Thanksgiving party at my parent’s house. It was wonderful! I love being able to spend time with my family and yesterday was a great example of a good time. The food was amazing (Oooh, the twice baked potatoes were insanely nummy!) and I was surprised into laughter with a gift. I was handed a tin placard that had Glenda from the Wizard of Oz on it. The catch phrase printed across her picture read, “Are you a good witch or a bad witch?”

It made me laugh so hard I had tears in my eyes. It was a wonderful (priceless) gift that I treasure! I’m going to put it up here in my office so every time I see it I will grin or laugh or both. It’s really the small things in life that matter. They become the focus of memories that make you feel the same joy you did when they first happened.

Today I went back to work on my freelance jobs and had a very busy day. I’m really enjoying the work I’m getting to do and all of the research that leads up to the end product. Today my articles were centered on different types of meditation.

One of the forms of meditation I researched is called Sufi Whirling. Have you ever seen a Whirling Dervish? This is the type of meditation that they perform when whirling. I was fascinated about the logic used in the meditation. For example, when you spin without stepping out to far you stay in nearly the same place.. this draws in your center of gravity so that your center stays in one place even though your body is in motion. It reminded me of the point you see at the end of a water funnel. A finite point within the chaos of motion.

They believe that the energy created in the whirling that is focused on your center opens up your natural spiritual self so that you can communicate with the divine.

I like the thought of this because I remember very clearly twirling as a child until I fell down dizzy and ecstatic on the ground with my arms thrown out staring up into the bright blue sky. I would laugh and get up to do it again. There was bliss to be found in my childish twirling. Doing it with a intent and focus could very well be the way to throw the doors open to speaking with the divine consciousness.

I believe that meditation is often used as a form of prayer. Prayer, by definition, is spiritual communication with God/Goddess. Therefore meditation is an excellent way to focus your intent on communication. In the pagan belief everything we do should be done with intent, most especially our spell craft. So meditation will be a valuable tool in focusing our intent in our every day life.

Balance is something I’ve talked about before when I mentioned balancing the elements within yourself. Having too much fire could get you into trouble when emotions are concerned, for example. Balance is important in as many aspects of your life as possible.

When you meditate you achieve a balance within your body as well as your spiritual self. With balance in your life you look at the world differently and in a more positive way.

Pounds lost: 12.5 (376.5)
Daily insight: Enrich your life through the thoughtful use of intent.
Ounces of water consumed: 64
Steps in the right direction: 37

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Foul winds blew.. and blew…

Today was a stinker. I was in a foul mood nearly all day and it put my attitude right in line. I had insomnia last night and finally went to bed near to 5am. I woke up at 11am and felt like my day was nearly over when it had just started. Unless it’s planned I really don’t like oversleeping. I always feel like I’m scrambling to catch up for the rest of the day.

The diet was off it’s game today with my shift in timetables. It’s a piss poor excuse and I’m sorry I let that excuse happen. My water intake wasn’t what it should have been either. I didn’t start drinking until I only had an hour left until bedtime.

The good thing from today is that I’m now motivated to discover a better way to wake myself up. Even if I have insomnia I should still get up at a reasonable time. I believe this will make falling asleep the following night much easier.

Come Monday I hope to have a new alarm clock set up and ready to go. Fingers crossed!

Pounds lost: 12.5 (376.5)
Daily insight: Grumbling only adds salt to the wound.
Ounces of water consumed: 30
Steps in the right direction: 35

Friday, December 3, 2010

Miss fix it…

Today was my “day off”. Of course, that means I still had to do some work, but that’s only because I can’t seem to stop working now that I’m rev’d up and ready! Today is also the day I decided to decorate. Yay! When I pulled out the vacuum cleaner (I had cleaned all the filters, roller, and compartments on Weds so it would do a really great job today!) after moving out all of the furniture that was moveable and started vacuuming when I smelled something burning. Eek! I turned it off and flipped it over. Everything looked fine. And then I thought.. Oh no, did I not put the belt on right?

Ayup.. belt was melted (and still hot!). Ger-reat! Thankfully, it was easy enough to go pick up another and get back to the house to finish the job. Very nice! So far I only have the tree up, but she looks fabulous! Next will come the lights and miscellaneous decorations. I can’t wait to put up my card display holder. I loooove getting holiday cards! I’m going to start addressing mine in the next week. My goal is to have them mailed by next Saturday. It could happen!

The diet went mostly according to plan. I got caught up in the tree and missed a meal and am starting to feel hungry. I think I might toss me a little salad or go the easy route and pop in a vegetarian frozen meal. Not sure yet. Water consumption was on the ball tonight, which is always good.

I’m looking forward and trying to decide how to celebrate Yule this year. I have this one Santa candle I love using to invoke the spirit of giving and I’m making that center stage of my alter. The Goddess and the God are represented but I’m really keen on getting some greenery and holly this year. I’m going to ask my Dad if I can have some from their holly bush (more like tree!) and evergreen trees. I think that will be just what I need to finish off the decorations.

Pounds lost: 12.5 (376.5)
Daily insight: There’s nothing better than the sound of a snoring puppy snuggled on your lap.
Ounces of water consumed: 75
Steps in the right direction: 34

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Phew!

I was so scared when I met with the scale this morning for my weigh in. I was worried that Thanksgiving would have caught up with me and stole some of the weight I had lost the week before. Here’s one more thing for me to be thankful for. I lost 1.5 pounds! Happy Day! Happy Week.. Happy me!

I STILL haven’t been able to decorate.. sad me.. but have decided to take tomorrow off so that I can do it. Today I spent my whole day neck deep in Antigua and Barbados writing a total of 11 articles between the two countries. I think it’s harder to come up with 11 completely different ideas, even at only 160 words, than it is to come up with 4 600 word original articles. I don’t know how people do it, but from the feedback I’ve been getting it might be save to assume the quality of articles these people are used to getting is FAR below par. That means more jobs for me, but I wish those jobs came with a pay raise. :)

I have a sample article that I’m working on right now and then it’s off to bed with me. I’ve had a very productive day.

Yesterday I found a blog that I’m keen on reading by Silver Ravenwolf called the Great Release Challenge! Feel free to check it out at: http://silverravenwolf.wordpress.com/2010/12/02/day-2-of-the-magickal-release-program/ I hope you enjoy it.

The diet went great today and I got in all of my water. That’s always a rewarding ending to the day. Soooooo, no waxing philosophical for me tonight, I’m too tired.

Goodnight, All

Pounds lost: 12.5 (376.5)
Daily insight: It’s never the wrong time to Happy Dance!
Ounces of water consumed: 75
Steps in the right direction: 33

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Almost tomorrow.. Already?…

When I woke up this morning I genuinely had no idea what day of the week or month it was. I came into the office and sat down to check my email. I had a huge amount, all concerning jobs I had applied for on a freelance website. I was excited! There were messages flying left and right and back and forth. Before I knew it I was late for lunch. I told my contacts that I needed to sign off to eat and would be back later.

While I was making lunch I thought, ‘Hey.. What day is it?’ I went and looked and was pleased to see I didn’t have to wait any longer. I could decorate! Yay! Lunch consumed, I did a happy dance all the way to the garage where I uncovered my bins of decorations. I dragged them into the house and thought I should go check to see if there was anything urgent I needed to take care of.

Before I knew it I had missed snack and it was 6:30pm. I wasn’t able to go see my sister (tomorrow!!) and needed to eat dinner. I got up and searched through the kitchen for something quick to cook so I could continue doing all the work on my plate. I ended up having more of a snack than dinner and went back to work.

So here I am and the day is almost over and I still have 2 more articles to right. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. Already. LOL

Decorating is being put off until tomorrow (even though I have 11 articles due). Booo. But that’s the price you pay for income. I’ll pay it! The place will be decorated before too long and I’ll be able to sit back and admire it while I work.

Pounds lost: 11.2 (377.8)
Daily insight: Time flies.. Seriously.
Ounces of water consumed: 75
Steps in the right direction: 31

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Yuletime cheer…

This is the first year, in a long time, that I’ve been excited about decorating and having my home filled with yuletime cheer. I’ve been counting the days until the 1st of December. I set a rule a loooong time ago that I wouldn’t decorate until December. I never understood why people threw up a tree and lights the day after Thanksgiving.

But I’m soooo anxious! Er, excited. I can’t wait to decorate this year. I know it has something to do with being home after a long absence from home. This year is going to be sooo wonderful! I think it will be more so because it’s the kind of holiday most people wouldn’t want. With the hit my family has taken with the loss of jobs and incomes none of us can afford to shop, so we decided to do a “secret santa” and make the presents we give.

Last year I went overboard and made pajamas for every member of my family. I ended up making 15 different sets and it took me almost 2 months. I promised not to do that again. It was just too much work. But I admit I love seeing that my family does wear the PJs I made and enjoys them.

I am sooo looking forward to the holiday season with my family. I always love the sparkling lights and smells of evergreen boughs.

Oooh, hurry December 1st. Hurry!

Pounds lost: 11.2 (377.8)
Daily insight: Patience is a.. Oh, who am I kidding. Hurry! Hehe
Ounces of water consumed: 75
Steps in the right direction: 30

Monday, November 29, 2010

A weighty problem…

One of the things I’ve noticed over the years is what weight does to your body. There are the obvious things that everyone can see. Weight makes your skin stretch and can make your limbs look like they were stung by bees from knee to ankle or elbow to wrist. Weight can give you the dreaded “cankles” named so because you lose the definition between the calfs and the ankles. Weight can make your face look swollen or like you have jello beneath your skin. Weight can throw your body out of proportion. If your weight delivers you into the arms of diabetes it can make your body look like a peach on toothpick legs.

In my case the outward evidence of my weight has been fairly proportioned. Every part of my body has gained weight. My arms are as big as you’d expect them to be. The only thing about my body that seems to be different than most heavy women is that I still have a waist. It’s consistently been smaller than my ribcage and hip measurements. Earlier this year I started to notice that my waist was increasing more than it ever had before. I was losing the one attribute that I admired in my weight gain. I still had “shape”. I think one of the reasons I was so keen to get back on the diet path is because I want to keep my waist. It’s my defining feminine feature that I’ve always had some pride for. If my waist becomes the same size as my ribcage or hips I would be devastated.

Inwardly, weight does far more damage to your body than what shows externally. Extra weight on your limbs can cause injury to your joints. Our bodies are made for the parts of our limbs above and below our joints to be similar in size. Strong bicep and forearms, calfs and thighs, etc. When you gain weight the size of those areas significantly increases. There’s a natural give in your joint when you bring your forearm up to your bicep just as in kneeling so your thigh meets your calf. But when you’re heavy attempting to kneel can be a problem.

I remember when I was in highschool I wanted to sit next to a friend of mine but there was only enough room if I knelt down. I did so and the people around me heard the same terrible pop I did. When the bell rang and everyone got up to go to class I couldn’t. I had popped my knee out of joint. It seemed like it took a very long time for me to get out of my kneeling position to be sitting flat on my backside with my legs out in front of me. Getting into that position hurt terribly. I could see where my knee was out of joint and I had to reach down and maneuver my leg and knee until I could feel it pop back in. The pain of the joint fitting back together again was NOT fun, but after it was back in the pain almost went away. The knee was sore for a long time after that but I never told my mom or asked to see the nurse. I was embarrassed. My weight had popped my knee out and I didn’t want anyone to know.

That kind of internal damage is just one example. When you gain weight the fat cells start to latch on to your organs and when that happens I believe the fat cells start to strangle the organs which is why I think they have to work so much harder to do the functions they were made to do. The fat in our bodies starts looking for new places to hang out and become the sugar in our blood stream. Diabetes kicks in and you know your body is now fighting to survive.

We can be so hard on our bodies and the reason why still hasn’t been figured out.

But I want to let my body know that I’m rooting for it. I know that if I snip my ego and the ID in the butt I will be able to overcome the things that have kept me sabotaging my body instead of letting it thrive. My body never asked for the abuse of my weight and I think it’s about time my body got what it deserved. A break.

So here’s to you body. I hope you kick a little ass and tell me where to shove my excuses.

Pounds lost: 11.2 (377.8)
Daily insight: If you need to set the alarm to stick to your diet, learn to carry one with you.
Ounces of water consumed: 60
Steps in the right direction: 29

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Exploring change…

One of the most pronounced and repetitive things we deal with in this life is change. As a pagan when we work magic we are creating change through the conformity of will. That means we are encouraging change every time we cast or create new beginnings. Change can be a positive force in life.

I remember once when I participated in a Bay Area event based on the Elysian Mysteries…when I traveled into the “underground” and met with Hades he asked me what I wanted, what I needed…and I told him CHANGE. He told me to beware of what I was asking for, but I knew that I needed things in my life to change. I was willing to allow it to change in negative ways in hopes that the changes would be positive as well. As above, so below, after all.

Change did happen for me. It was the following December that found me relocated to Anaheim. While my time in southern California kept me from my family there were a lot of positive changes that happened down there as well. I graduated with my Bachelor’s and went back for and got my Master’s. I lost 50 lbs and in the course became a BBW model for a little while. I dated and determined what I was looking for in the world of love and marriage. I gained it all back (blech), but that is the negative side of change rearing its head. You have to learn to take the good with the bad.

Change can be a positive force in your life if you let it be. The best way to create change for good is to not be afraid of it. You must be able to recognize change when it’s heading toward you and you must be willing to make adjustments in your life to either integrate the change or discover ways to avoid it. Now, remember that avoiding change in general will be detrimental to your life. There’s no such thing as something that never changes.

Never fear change, for it’s always there just around the corner. What will change next?

Pounds lost: 11.2 (377.8)
Daily insight: Change can lead to so many wonderful things.
Ounces of water consumed: 60
Steps in the right direction: 28