Some days you can only keep your head above water…

Have you ever had days.. or in my case weeks.. where you feel like you’re barely keeping your head above water? The last 11 days have repeatedly kicked me in my backside. Of course, when I look back I wonder why. I had computer issues, then I had deadline issues, and then I had my “my body isn’t a happy camper” issues. The computer issues have thankfully been repaired, and after only 2.5 hours of sleep for 48 hours a couple of days ago I finished all of my work, although I did miss two deadlines. I think that’s what sent me into my “SIGH, I’m figgin’ exhausted and a little depressed” that’s kept a hold of me for the last few days.

I didn’t know how to get back online and admit all of this on here. I was afraid of my own oath of honesty. The scale on Thursday said my weight was 371.9 so I’d gained back nearly 2lbs and that added to my feelings of depression. I couldn’t face the fact that I was allowing myself to step away from my goals and my promise to myself. I could easily blame the amount of work I had given myself with my freelance work, but that is only part of it. Everything feels off kilter.

The loss of sleep because of my workload made me realize a few things. It made me realize that I was working 18+ hours a day for barely $25. None of it was even enough for me to pay my rent. If I count all of the work I’ve done for other people since November I can just make rent. That’s over 2 months of sacrificing time with my family and my goals for 1 month of rent. That is not ok. I was faced with the reality of my situation and that added to my self-deprecating attitude. I was asking myself things like… “What’s the point? You’re killing yourself for what? Why don’t you just give up?”

That kind of negative self speak isn’t unfamiliar to me, but I thought I had left it in my past. To have it rise up and point its finger at me in the mirror was hard to deal with. Is still hard to deal with.

In an attempt to cheer myself up I decided to do a reading with the Tarot, but every single card I pulled was negative. It made me feel defeated. I almost wanted to just stay down and not struggle to my feet again.

But I’m better than that.

Much better.

And I deserve more than just falling down and letting life run over the top of me. I deserve to be empowered and successful. I know that the only person that can make that happen is me. And I deserve for it to happen. So, I’m going to damn well make it happen.

I haven’t had any water today, but I put down that I’ll have consumed 64 ounces and this is my first step to getting back to where I need and deserve to be. I am going to drink all of the water I need to before I go to bed tonight. And I’m going to get back on this rickety wagon that I’ve allowed to roll over me and start steering it back down the path it should have always been on.

Pounds lost: 17.1 (371.9)

Daily insight: You’re the only one that can stop yourself from succeeding and you should never let you get in your way.

Ounces of water consumed: 64

Steps in the right direction: 74 - I just can’t count those days I let the wagon roll over me.