Thursday, February 3, 2011

The harsh truth...

Well, this morning the scale gave me the harsh truth of reality. I did, indeed, gain weight. Being injured never makes it easy to do the right things for your body. If you had done the right things then it’s possible that you wouldn’t be hurt to begin with. I feel like if I say that it’s ok because I was hurt that would mean I was making excuses. That’s one thing that always seems to make me pause. When is an explanation not an excuse?

Sure, I probably could have made better choices, but when you can’t even stand up straight that’s a pretty difficult thing to do. Is it an excuse to say that you chose to go the easy route because you didn’t think you could be on your feet long enough to cook a better meal? I could say that it’s not an excuse because I’m not used to not having full control over my body. But then I think of people that live their lives without the full use of their bodies and do it well. Does that make me a weak person? My rationale tells me that more than likely in the beginning they had as much trouble as I did getting the good things they needed rather than taking advantage of easy food preparation like frozen food or delivery. So, that means I can’t use their example as a way to belittle my explanation.

And why am I trying to quantify an explanation so that it won’t come off like an excuse? Do I think I could have done better? Of course I do. And that’s what it comes down too. I allowed my pain and disadvantaged state, however temporary, to interfere with my goal of healthy eating. I’m sure that if I had the foresight to know I’d be in a bad place I would have prepared salads and stored them in my fridge in advance. But I didn’t have that foresight.

The lesson I could learn from this situation would be that I should prepare food in advance even if I don’t find myself in trouble. But is that realistic? Most days I feel like I’m lucky to have remembered to drink my water. So, how can I realistically think that I’d be together enough to have prepared meals ready for me the next time my back goes out?

I think what it really comes down to is that I have to start giving myself a break. I need to stop trying to kick myself when I’m down and allow myself to make mistakes. They are inevitable and that doesn’t mean that I’m less of a person or given to sloth. I’m always trying to be the best and I often fall short, but only in my own opinion. We are always hardest on ourselves. I need to learn to let myself fail on occasion and then be ok with it. If I don’t I’ll always be a victim of self-criticalization. Yes, I know that’s not a word, but it sure sounds right when you say it.

My mind has been humming since I finished Deborah Blake’s book and I want to get started doing some tasks I’ve set for myself. I’ve been focused on the diet part of my reclamation and that’s all fine and good, but when am I going to get into the pagan part? If my experience on Imbolc is any indication I’m falling very short of my goal and that needs to be remedied.

Pounds lost: 12.1 (376.9)
Daily insight: Don’t become a victim of self-criticalization
Ounces of water consumed: 64
Steps in the right direction: 87

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