Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Another step in the right direction...

As another day winds to a close I find myself pulled in several directions. My body is starting to feel the caffeine withdrawl (even though I had a soda when I went to lunch with my sister today) and I’m exhausted. I know it could very well be that my body is just tired from all of the preparation and clean up from my Samhain party. I made sure to drink plenty of water today to help counteract the sluggedness. Hopefully tomorrow my body will start to bounce back.

My plan was to start getting up at 630am so that I could start the day with yoga and some relaxation in the form of meditation. Unfortunately, the alarm has happily gone off the past two mornings but I remained in bed until nearly 9am. I’m probably going to have to move the alarm to the other side of the room so I have to leave the warmth of my bed to hit snooze. Even better, not hit the snooze at all but get in motion for the day right away. Tomorrow is another chance for me to succeed.

Yesterday I introduced some of my pagan past and how I lost sight of my heart for a while. As I continued to think about it I remember that I did try and get motivated again before now. I would read books but not finish them because reading school materials always got me sidetracked. I’d start projects like embroidering alter clothes and finish, but never hem the edges. I have a collection of books that need to be read and a collection of “heirloom” items I created that need finishing touches. I believe this is the best place for me to start. I cannot become reconnected when there are still dangling loose ends. Every day I am going to spend at least an hour on either a book or a project. I will report in this blog my project and the progress.

The second aspect of this blog concerns my diet and I thought I should give a little more information about how I found myself where I am today.

When I was little I admit I was a glutton. Food made me happy. A counselor would say that I was using food to compensate for happiness in other areas of my life or a molestation that had me hiding within myself. Sure, part of that was true, but I ate and over ate because food just friggin’ tastes good. My mother didn’t often cook and we had plenty of box meals, but when she did cook it was always amazing and I loved eating whatever she made. My family was on government aid so there was feast and famine each and every month. Some months we ate fast food and great meals in the beginning of the month and then powdered milk and mac n’ cheese at the end of the month. Other months, especially those with birthdays or holidays (because my mom wanted to make sure we had presents and a party), we ate a lot of spam and hotdogs sometimes with bread but only if we got it from the day old store and only if there was any left. I was taught that when you had the means you should get as much of what you want as possible. Buffet restaurants meant I was sick on the ride home. Cheeseburgers, fries, and shakes at the first of the month until my skin was greasy.

So when I went out on my own I noticed I was acting the same way. As soon as I got my paycheck it was pizza, soda, steakhouses and pasta focused restaurants and then the week before my next check I was PB&Jing it. I was spending all of my money on eating out and often had no money left to pay the bills. Thankfully, because of the physical nature of my job I lost quite a bit. As soon as I was promoted to a more sedentary position I gained it all back and then some because I was eating my paychecks.

This behavior was modified when I became fed up with bouncing checks and trying to hide my debt from my parents. The changes weren’t permanent and I found myself getting in debt again. This time I asked for their help and promised to change my ways, again. I don’t think it was until I turned 30 that I really made changes in my spending (on food) habits. Although, when I look back I think that my debt was reduced because I had a higher paying job, not better food spending habits. I was often just squeaking by on paying my bills. Then I was relocated. That’s a time that I mentioned in my last post so I think I’m caught up. I was tired. Tired of being in debt, tired of squeaking by, and dang tired of being fat.

In Southern California things did improve for me when I started losing weight through a diet and exercise plan. I started really dating. Well, dating more often than my once every 2 years. I also started modeling for plus-size women. I joined a group that encouraged big women (and men) to love themselves for who they are and I modeled for a calendar and even fashion events. I was actively in the BBW scene going to parties and dance clubs. When I started to gain the weight back I also started to become disillusioned with the scene. I started to notice that most of the women at the club had low self-esteem and often allowed themselves to be taken advantage of sexually in a most demeaning way. I didn’t drink when I went out, I’ve always been a believer in keeping myself safe and never drank when I knew I was driving. It bothered me to be around so many drunken women throwing themselves at guys that treated them like meat. Meat that is thrown away as soon as they get back from the car.

So, I left the scene and hid behind school and pizza. Pizza because I wasn’t getting the socialization I needed and school because it was kicking my ass. I let my weight come back on and on and on. I always told myself that I would focus on it after school was over.

Welp, school has been over since September 2009. No more excuses.

Pounds lost: 0
Daily insight: It’s never to late to do what you said you would
Ounces of water consumed: 60
Steps in the right directions: 2

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