Saturday, November 13, 2010

Sticking my nose in it…

As I posted on Thursday, Friday night was the Clash of the Titan’s night and it was fabulous! The movies are not similar in much more than the names of the characters involved so there was no real comparison. They were both interesting in different ways, but I have to say the original is still my favorite! Dinner was fantastic and it is something we are definitely going to have to do again.

Today started out slowly and I’ve been anxious all day. I’ve felt like something was going to happen, but nothing out of the ordinary has. I followed my diet like a good girl and have consumed all of my water. It’s after 1030pm, so whatever was going to happen must be something for another day. But then again there’s still some time in this day so I had better be on the look out.

Nothing seemed to satisfy me today. I was terribly bored with everything I did and yet I only have myself to blame since I never left the house. I had planned on doing some rearranging of my bedroom so I could put my books away and have my tools in easy reach. That didn’t happen. I’d go to do it and have the “blech” feeling and turn around and leave the room again. Finally in late afternoon I sat down at the computer and went fishing.

I’ve been curious about the other people like me out there that are talking about their lives and being pagan. I found some interesting blogs that I’m going to add to my mainpage and I’ve found some networks that I’m thinking of joining. And yet… I still feel “blech” about the day. I’m hoping that when I wake up tomorrow I’ll feel better. I want to motivate myself into going for a walk or just enjoying the crisp fall air. The blech’s need to go.

There’s so much I want to get done and want to explore within myself and my faith and yet I find I have many days like today where I just can’t get motivated. I’m not quite sure what is holding me back, if anything, and how I am to defeat it. I think it must be hard to fight something you can’t see especially when the enemy might be within.

I think tonight when I go to sleep I’ll call out for a dream, like the ones I used to have, to show me the path.

I suppose that sentence might be confusing if you don’t know my history so I’ll give you some information.

When I was a little girl I was able to dream the next day in its entirety. Well, the entire day in my small piece of the world and my place in it. I knew when something was going to happen. I occasionally could tell my Mom who was on the phone when it rang. As I got older the gift receded little by little. When I was 8 or 9 my Mom flippantly called me a pretender (the exact word she used escapes me) and that I couldn’t possibly be able to do what I did. Not long after that our lives became filled with chaos and a lot of change. I stopped telling my Mom about my dreams. I stopped telling most people and when the “déjà vu’s” happened (which was really me remembering the dream I had about it) I would keep them to myself. They started coming more infrequently.

In high school I shared a little bit of that part of me to my friends and was rewarded with several “yeah right” and eye-rolls. Something inside of me lost faith in my dreams and they became even more infrequent. When I did have them, I was the only one that knew about them. I rarely shared them when they happened because I had stopped believing they were more than chance. The last time I had one that I openly shared it was concerning my niece.

Before she was born, before I knew my sister was pregnant, I had a dream I was holding this beautiful dark haired little girl in my arms. She was in a white smock and diaper cover with little white socks on her feet. She was asleep in my arms and I looked up from her to my sister that was sitting on the bed in the corner. I remember telling my sister about the dream and saying that I thought she was my daughter but I didn’t recognize the home we were in. Months later I went to visit my sister in her new home to meet my new niece. I sat down and my sister put her in my arms. She was in a white smock, diaper cover, and white frilly socks. It was the little girl I dreamed about, in the home I saw, with my sister sitting on her own bed in the corner. I told her I was having a déjà vu and reminded her of the dream I had told her about. She remembered it and I remember feeling reassured and strong in my abilities. I believe that was the day I started having faith in myself again, but I think it was too late to build my ability.

That was the day I realized my dreams foretold my path and when they happened and I experienced déjà vu that meant I was on the right path. I do continue to have them, but I believe the last one I had was about 17 months ago. I have no idea if I am on the right path today. Perhaps when I dream tonight I’ll find that out.

Pounds lost: 7.5 (381.5)
Daily insight: The path you’re supposed to be on will reveal itself in time.
Ounces of water consumed: 75
Steps in the right direction: 13

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